I will try again.

God… you say you will instruct me and teach me the way I should go (psalm 32:8), so then why do I feel so lost? Feelings of not good enough keep lingering in my mind, they have penetrated my soul. I have believed the lies for so long that I literally believe I am capable of no single thing, no matter how minimum the effort would be.

I feel lost, and dumb, I don’t know where I got this ideas from!?!

Lord, take it away. For I am tired of always having a foggy brain. Let it be you speak words of truth to my ears, my heart, my soul. Let it be you guiding me , I know you have a plan for all of this.

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This small draft has been sitting in my WordPress for more than 3 months now.  Today I have decided to bring it to light.

As of today, I still have no idea what my intention was to create this blog back in 2017, but I believe nothing is coincidence and if in my heart a flower bloomed that urged me to write, I will listen to it.  I thought about erasing my old blog posts, especially the ones where I wrote I would do something and never completed it. But whats the use?

You should never be ashamed of your past, for it helped bring you to this moment.

I am tired of my lack of discipline. I am tired of my low self esteem, of the thought of death creeping in, and my depression taking over me.

Today I will try again, no shame to start over.

Today I will try again,  creating good habits and kicking away my anxiety.

Today I will try again, falling out of bed when I want to stay in all day.

Today I will try again, today I will try again….

 

 

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I will keep trying…

I did not have any intentions of writing yesterday. Therefore, I am a bit confused with my days.

Anyways ….

I have been doing a lousy job with this better habits things. I couldn’t continue waking up early, I couldn’t continue going to the gym. I have, however, attended yoga class everyday. My free week is over , however, so I doubt that I would go as often now that I would have to pay.

I have been asleep literally almost all day today. And might be hard to believe, but I wont have any problems falling asleep tonight.

Secondary effects of being sad… not wanting much with the world.

There’s so much I dream to accomplish yet I don’t know how to achieve my goals.

Tomorrow’s a new day. I will keep trying, I will keep trying.

Meh.

Today is day 3 of this dumb thing I put myself into. I could just quit, it’s not like if anyone’s actually reading or expecting me to finish.

Yesterday I over slept 30min, today I over slept 2 hours. Yep.

Anyways, I got myself to work.

And after work, I went to yoga class , so that counts at something right?

While I was driving I listened to TED talks. I specifically recall a video of a women speaking about how visualizing our goals is important.

But what happens when you don’t know exactly what your goals are? Or what happens if theres so many goals in all levels that you want to accomplish that you don’t even know what to visualize?!

I don’t know how to proceed and I don’t know what I’m aiming towards.

But im hoping, im hoping to get through this. I am continuing the walk knowing that one day I’ll be able to see where God had been leading me to all along.

How am I to unfu*k myself?

Today is day 2 of my unnamed challenge.

Why am I even saying ‘challenge’? I’m not even doing a specific set of things….

I’m trying to find something that works for me, baby steps I may take but as long as I keep moving I will be okay.

Today I woke up at 5:30 am (30 min later than planned), and I struggled with my mind. I really didn’t feel like driving to the gym. So I ended up grabbing my 5Ibs dumbbells and doing a workout in my room. After that I did my physical therapy exercises, which I should have been doing everyday for two weeks now .


Workout

Chest press 10 x3

Lat pullovers 10×3

Tricep extensions 10×3

21’s 10×3

Upright row 10×3

Shoulder press 10×3

Front to side lat complex 8×3

Attempted pushups and failed


After that the usual; get ready and head to work. I did not do my morning pages, that meaning I did not write down things I’m grateful for.

Today was actually a bad day for me.

My living situation (sharing apartment) is getting uncomfortable and besides that I’m having legal issues.

All day I kept trying to inhale more breathe trying to calm down , but I just couldn’t.

I hate how I grab my situations and create a whole dialogue that will probably never happen. I hate how I always obsess over the most small inconveniences.

When the clock hit 5pm , I wanted to run to bed. Yet even though I did not feel like it , I made myself go to yoga class again. Class was an hour and a half long. We did a lot of lower back and stomach engaging exercises.

After that I had promised my boyfriend that I was going to clean out our vending machines , but I failed.

Did I mention I did the dishes today?

It sounds like I have done nothing all day… yet I’m putting in some effort.


“What if I told you that even when you think you’re losing in life, you’re actually winning? That everything that happens is really a victory?

Unfu*k yourself pg.53

Just finished reading chapter 3 of Gary John Bishop’s book. A book that has been sitting in my shelf for months, with at least 6 other books that I bought swearing this time I would finish reading.

Our mind is “wired to win”.

What my mind says I am , I become. Doesn’t it sound so simple? If I continue saying “everyone leaves me” , my mind sabotages the situation till I end up making everyone leave! When I continue saying how lazy I am and how I am so fat, my mind keeps feeding me more thoughts and ideas that help me “win” at being lazy and unhealthy.

Sounds so simple doesn’t it? I wish that actually changing what goes on in our minds as easy as the steps sound.

I might not be there today;

But I am strong. I am heathy , I am independent. I am, I am.

I know each and everyone of us has the power within to change the channel in our minds; we were meant to win.

Starting is always the hardest.

Today is day 1 of my unnamed challenge.

I almost failed. I almost failed because my bed is calling my name. I don’t want to be here writing at 11pm, but oh well…

This morning I stood up as soon as I heard the alarm.

Tip; put your phone to charge away from your bed!

Although I hesitated , I grabbed my notebook and attempted to write my morning pages. It was meant to be three but that seemed impossible for me. It’s 5 am , my brains not functioning yet give me a minute!

I ended up with only one page. And while I was brushing my teeth before heading to the gym I remembered I should have written things I’m grateful for.

I’ll be sure to remember tomorrow!

Turns out that a lot of people have not yet failed their new year resolution, meaning the gym was more busy than usual( for it being 5am ). Although cheers for everyone that got their ass up to make it to the gym so early… the bad part is I felt intimidated. So I ended up going to the “stretching area” and doing main of my workout there.

I thought about just copying a workout from youtube or instagram but I was just feeling intimidated and I left my wireless earphones at home.

Day 1 gym workout.

Glute machine 12×3

Hip opener v thing 12×3

Squat w pulses 10

Fire hydrant w/ donkey kick 10×3

Single leg raise standing 10×3

Single leg raise lying down 10×3

Bridges 15×3

Stair master 5-6min

Treadmill 10min

I made it to work 30min earlier. Work was work, I got a lot accomplished.

Last week I attended a meditation/yoga event. The name of the event was, ” Resolve to Evolve.” I loved it. Anyways , since I was new they gave me a free week to come join as many yoga classes as I wanted. So I took advantage of the offer and after work I headed to my very first legit yoga class.

It was packed and let me just say I sweated more than I did this morning at the gym!

I feel proud of myself for going in there even when I was unfamiliar ( and 10minutes late). Everyone in yoga seemed to been practicing for a long time already while me in the other hand… I struggled to maintain my balance. Being in a big packed room makes it so hard not to start my deadly habit of comparing myself to others.

But I’m trying. I’m trying to notice what my mind says of me, I’m trying to notice when I body shame myself once again.

We’re all lovely in our own unique way.

I have to remember , I have to remember.

After class I should have gone back to my apartment and get ready for the next day, but I had things I wanted to talk about so I went to a friends house.

“Asking for help, even if its just wanting someone to hear you, is not a sign of weakness.”

I wish I could say, “I’m ready for tomorrow. But tomorrow’s just Tuesday, and thing is…. I am ready to sleep in.

Is it my time?

There is a time for every purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

“When’s my time? When’s my time? ” I repeat this question in my head over and over. I repeat it as I see my whole check leave with every bill , with every penny owed. I repeat it as I take another bite of the pizza after I had sworn to make healthier choices. I repeat it as I am once again over looked, left out and misunderstood.

When’s my time Lord?

When will writing my goals over and over ever help? When will the magic tea shred the excess skin under my chin? When will my good intentions surround me of genuine friends that actually care for me and not only want to receive.

When’s my time Lord, when’s my time?

Today is January 6, 2019.

This year is almost 1 week old. What have I accomplished? Nothing. And I could beat myself up again just like I have done in the past. Maybe I could say “shoot I messed up 2019 already , that was fast” but I wont this time… I wont let myself give in.

I will make it my time. I will work towards my intentions , I wont stop till I succeed.

Today January 6, 2019;

As I get ready to go to sleep, I write this words down as proof that I am finally going to do something.

– I will rise up with the sun everyday

– I will move my body, not as punishment but as of gratefulness for what my body can do.

– I will be more connected with God and his power within me.

– I will work on loving and respecting myself.

– I will shred the negative thoughts going full speed in my head.

-I will work towards me in every aspect and unapologetically put me first always.

I am so eager to see who I may grow out to be. 💕


For 30 days straight I will write in this blog as a way of holding myself accountable. Each day I would need to make better food choices, exercise in any way , be more productive than I tend to be and just try to be a nicer human being.

I will gather ideas from books I have read like , The happiness project , Eating my feelings, etc. Along with motivational speeches and you-tubers.

I am sure I would soon find a method that helps me.


God doesn’t leave anything unfinished. The journey we started, no matter how hard it might feel, God grants us the strength and courage to fulfill our dreams.

God bless. ❤️

No siempre nos toca ganar.

Hay dias en los que por mas que alumbre el sol por la ventana, no logramos levantarnos de la cama. Hay dias en los que por mas rodeados que estemos de personas de luz , no logramos encender nuestra alma.

Porque?, gritas al cielo reclamandole a Dios su abandono. Porque lo permito? Porque si soy bueno, porque si yo le obedezco, si yo lo busco en las mañanas y lo alabo por las noches. Porque no me escucho?

Ser seguidores de Cristo, hijos de Dios, no nos garantiza una vida sin aflicion. Pero si nos garantiza no estar solos en la batalla. Por mas frio que se encuentre el abismo, Jesus esta alli. Se encuentra en aquella esquina en la que lo aventaste mientras hacias tu berrinche. Esta alli esperando que permitas el calor del fuego re-encenderte otravez. Quiere regresar a aquella niña pequeña que sus pies no se cansaban de danzar. Quiere regresarte la inocencia y la felicidad.

Dios esta contigo, El jamas te abandono. Entonces porque permitio tanto dolor en tu corazon?

 

Un dia dos hombres endemoniados se encontraban en la calle como cual quier otro dia. Quiza se burlaban de la gente al pasar, les hacian bullying al noble y tropezaban a las damas que pasaran. Pareciera como un dia cualquiera en donde ‘disfrutaban’ su miseria.  De pronto vieron un grupo de personas no comun caminar hacia su dirrecion. Al ver esto su naturaleza quiza era aventar rocas a sus cabezas o quiza correr a ellos y atacar. Pero no fue asi. Aunque lo quisieran era impossible atacar pues en medio del grupo resaltaba Jesus, hijo del mismo Dios.

“Porque te entrometes hijo de Dios? Has venido aqui a atormentarnos antes del tiempo señalado?  (Mat.8:29)

Mientras Jesus se asercaba a confrontar a los demonios, pasaba una manada de cerdos alrededor.

-Si nos expulsas, mandanos a la manada de cerdos. Vayan- les dijo. Asi que salieron de los hombres y entraron en los cerdos, y toda la manada se precipito al lago por el despenadero y muriern en el agua.” (Mat. 8:30-32)

No me puedo imaginar el alivio que sintieron esos dos hombres que fueron atacados por esos demonios por quien sabe cuanto tiempo! Imaginate esa libertad que sintieron, como su alma se sentia tan liviana despues de haber cargado tanta carga. Imaginate el gozo de sus padres al haber recuperado a sus queridos hijos, imaginate a sus niños llorando de felicidad de haber recuperado su padre, imaginate a sus esposas contentas de haber recuperado a su marido.

Imaginate a los que cuidaban a esos cerdos…..

No siempre nos toca ganar.

No siempre somos nosotros que nos toca brincar de felicidad.

Dios dejo a las 99 ovejas por salvar a una sola ( Lucas 15:1-10), y pareciera que aveces sin querer nos molesta cuando somos nosotros las ovejas mansitas del corral que Dios ‘puso a un lado por un momento’ por salvar a aquella oveja negra.

No siempre nos toca ganar.

No siempre nos toca ganar, no siempre somos nosotros los protagonistas de cada historia. Aveces nos toca orar mas alla de nuestro circulo, mas alla de nuestra familia y nuestros problemas.

Hay que orar por el enemigo. Por aquellas amistades falsas que nos acuchillaron. Hay que orar por la cajera que ni una sonrisa te regalo. Por el medico que ignoro los sintomas y la señora que tu perro atropello. Hay que orar por el gobierno y dejar de culpar a los demas por el problema actual. Hay que orar por aquel que de tu confianza aprovecho, aquel que llamabas papa y en la noche te abuso.

 

Hay que orar y pedir que te ayude a soltar todo el rencor que quiza muy guardado esta en tu corazon. La venganza no esta en nosotros. Ni somos quien para juzgar aquel que nos empujo, quiza ayer esa persona fue mala pero quiza hoy… Dios logre entrar en su corazon.

 

 

 

***NOTA***

 

Llevo ya un año con wordpress y aun no entiendo como usarlo completamente. Como encuentro blogs buenos para leer? Como se supone que gente podra ver mis articulos si ni conozco a nadie? Bueno equis… cuando empeze esto me dije a mi misma;

“Celeste, escribe. No importa si nadie lee lo que publiques , tu ESCRIBE.”

Y pues.. ya mero termina el año 2018 y tengo muy pocas cosas escritas.

Este año, igual que los pasados, han sido … wow.

Me han pasado cosas que jamas habia imaginado, amistades de años que resulto ser engaños. Relaciones nuevas, etc.  Y no estoy conforme. No estoy feliz. Tengo ya 23 años y tengo mucho por vivir lo se.. pero no me gusta para nada la dirrecion que estoy tomando. Me siento como una vieja loca! Me siento sola! Me siento dramatica exagerada y estoy en un caparasol que no logro quebrar no se como escapar de este lugar.

Quisiera dejarlo todo y empezar de nuevo en otro lugar… pero es imposible. Pues siempre, siempre he querido estar estable por primera vez en mi vida y me prometi a mi misma no volver a huir de los lugares cuando mi despression y ansiedad se vuelvan a asomar. Asi que como prosigo despues de aqui?

**Otra nota ; mi computadora es nueva y no se como ponerla en español para que corrija mis errores :C helppp haha **