Quién soy yo?

Quién soy yo? Para volver a venir a sus pies después de mi escapé.

Tengo miedo, y así temblando estoy aquí a sus pies.

Tengo miedo…. de volver a su palabra y sentirme de nuevo ignorada. De no ver su mano obrando en mi favor. ¿ Acaso mi corazón esta en la intención incorrecta? Si solo busco el bien… porqué me ignora?

Porque me a puesto en espera tanto tiempo? Me canse de tener el teléfono sobre el oído, eventualmente colgué. Colgué y me fui por mi propio camino que al igual que el suyo tenía baches y momentos que creí que casi llegaría pero el miedo… el miedo y la incertidumbre eran tan sofocantes.

Quien soy yo? Para volver a venir a sus pies… para pedirle otra oportunidad, que me deje volver a casa o travez.

Quien soy yo? Para merecer su amanecer una y otra vez aun sabiendo que solo me sentaré y quejaré.

Quien soy yo? Para su amor merecer…. quien soy yo para entender?

Su misericordia es nueva cada mañana. Me da oportunidades sin la cuenta mantener. Me deja volver a casa y tomar mi lugar junto al rey. Me toma de la mano para seguir caminando aun cuando hay mil cosas que jamás lograre entender… mi fe esta puesta en sus pies.

Anuncios

Principio de una batalla.

Me levante de la cama y me arregle el alma preparándome para la batalla. Porque tiene que ser todo tan complicado? Porque un espíritu bueno no puede ser suficiente para ser tomado en cuenta, para ser escuchado.

Trescientos sesenta cinco días del año y la ruleta escogió caer el día de hoy.

Día que pareció que fui abandonada por el mismo Dios hace años. Dios que un día decidió sin aviso llevárselo todo dejándome aquí, olvidada , teniendo que arreglarme el alma cada mañana.

Una vez mas maldito Abril me ve hecha pedazos. Llorando sola con el alma en gajos.

Una vez mas maldito Abril me ve levantarme en llanto, piernas temblando alma quebrando.

Me acomode el pelo , suspire profundo y camine a mi posición.

Tu verás solo una werca arreglada como adulto , yo veo un espíritu lleno de tristeza que aun se empeña a querer brillar. Tu veras abogados, culpables y victimas; yo veo demonios queriendo defender el pecado y ángeles protegiendo la inocencia. Tu veras un señor con un titulo alto sentado al frente, yo veré al mismo Dios obrando en mi favor al través de el.

Trescientos sesenta cinco días del año y la ruleta escogió caer el día de hoy.

Día que marco el inicio de mi soledad. Hoy, día que marcara el principio de una batalla que me vera triunfar.

I will try again.

God… you say you will instruct me and teach me the way I should go (psalm 32:8), so then why do I feel so lost? Feelings of not good enough keep lingering in my mind, they have penetrated my soul. I have believed the lies for so long that I literally believe I am capable of no single thing, no matter how minimum the effort would be.

I feel lost, and dumb, I don’t know where I got this ideas from!?!

Lord, take it away. For I am tired of always having a foggy brain. Let it be you speak words of truth to my ears, my heart, my soul. Let it be you guiding me , I know you have a plan for all of this.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

 

This small draft has been sitting in my WordPress for more than 3 months now.  Today I have decided to bring it to light.

As of today, I still have no idea what my intention was to create this blog back in 2017, but I believe nothing is coincidence and if in my heart a flower bloomed that urged me to write, I will listen to it.  I thought about erasing my old blog posts, especially the ones where I wrote I would do something and never completed it. But whats the use?

You should never be ashamed of your past, for it helped bring you to this moment.

I am tired of my lack of discipline. I am tired of my low self esteem, of the thought of death creeping in, and my depression taking over me.

Today I will try again, no shame to start over.

Today I will try again,  creating good habits and kicking away my anxiety.

Today I will try again, falling out of bed when I want to stay in all day.

Today I will try again, today I will try again….

 

 

I will keep trying…

I did not have any intentions of writing yesterday. Therefore, I am a bit confused with my days.

Anyways ….

I have been doing a lousy job with this better habits things. I couldn’t continue waking up early, I couldn’t continue going to the gym. I have, however, attended yoga class everyday. My free week is over , however, so I doubt that I would go as often now that I would have to pay.

I have been asleep literally almost all day today. And might be hard to believe, but I wont have any problems falling asleep tonight.

Secondary effects of being sad… not wanting much with the world.

There’s so much I dream to accomplish yet I don’t know how to achieve my goals.

Tomorrow’s a new day. I will keep trying, I will keep trying.

Meh.

Today is day 3 of this dumb thing I put myself into. I could just quit, it’s not like if anyone’s actually reading or expecting me to finish.

Yesterday I over slept 30min, today I over slept 2 hours. Yep.

Anyways, I got myself to work.

And after work, I went to yoga class , so that counts at something right?

While I was driving I listened to TED talks. I specifically recall a video of a women speaking about how visualizing our goals is important.

But what happens when you don’t know exactly what your goals are? Or what happens if theres so many goals in all levels that you want to accomplish that you don’t even know what to visualize?!

I don’t know how to proceed and I don’t know what I’m aiming towards.

But im hoping, im hoping to get through this. I am continuing the walk knowing that one day I’ll be able to see where God had been leading me to all along.

How am I to unfu*k myself?

Today is day 2 of my unnamed challenge.

Why am I even saying ‘challenge’? I’m not even doing a specific set of things….

I’m trying to find something that works for me, baby steps I may take but as long as I keep moving I will be okay.

Today I woke up at 5:30 am (30 min later than planned), and I struggled with my mind. I really didn’t feel like driving to the gym. So I ended up grabbing my 5Ibs dumbbells and doing a workout in my room. After that I did my physical therapy exercises, which I should have been doing everyday for two weeks now .


Workout

Chest press 10 x3

Lat pullovers 10×3

Tricep extensions 10×3

21’s 10×3

Upright row 10×3

Shoulder press 10×3

Front to side lat complex 8×3

Attempted pushups and failed


After that the usual; get ready and head to work. I did not do my morning pages, that meaning I did not write down things I’m grateful for.

Today was actually a bad day for me.

My living situation (sharing apartment) is getting uncomfortable and besides that I’m having legal issues.

All day I kept trying to inhale more breathe trying to calm down , but I just couldn’t.

I hate how I grab my situations and create a whole dialogue that will probably never happen. I hate how I always obsess over the most small inconveniences.

When the clock hit 5pm , I wanted to run to bed. Yet even though I did not feel like it , I made myself go to yoga class again. Class was an hour and a half long. We did a lot of lower back and stomach engaging exercises.

After that I had promised my boyfriend that I was going to clean out our vending machines , but I failed.

Did I mention I did the dishes today?

It sounds like I have done nothing all day… yet I’m putting in some effort.


“What if I told you that even when you think you’re losing in life, you’re actually winning? That everything that happens is really a victory?

Unfu*k yourself pg.53

Just finished reading chapter 3 of Gary John Bishop’s book. A book that has been sitting in my shelf for months, with at least 6 other books that I bought swearing this time I would finish reading.

Our mind is “wired to win”.

What my mind says I am , I become. Doesn’t it sound so simple? If I continue saying “everyone leaves me” , my mind sabotages the situation till I end up making everyone leave! When I continue saying how lazy I am and how I am so fat, my mind keeps feeding me more thoughts and ideas that help me “win” at being lazy and unhealthy.

Sounds so simple doesn’t it? I wish that actually changing what goes on in our minds as easy as the steps sound.

I might not be there today;

But I am strong. I am heathy , I am independent. I am, I am.

I know each and everyone of us has the power within to change the channel in our minds; we were meant to win.

Starting is always the hardest.

Today is day 1 of my unnamed challenge.

I almost failed. I almost failed because my bed is calling my name. I don’t want to be here writing at 11pm, but oh well…

This morning I stood up as soon as I heard the alarm.

Tip; put your phone to charge away from your bed!

Although I hesitated , I grabbed my notebook and attempted to write my morning pages. It was meant to be three but that seemed impossible for me. It’s 5 am , my brains not functioning yet give me a minute!

I ended up with only one page. And while I was brushing my teeth before heading to the gym I remembered I should have written things I’m grateful for.

I’ll be sure to remember tomorrow!

Turns out that a lot of people have not yet failed their new year resolution, meaning the gym was more busy than usual( for it being 5am ). Although cheers for everyone that got their ass up to make it to the gym so early… the bad part is I felt intimidated. So I ended up going to the “stretching area” and doing main of my workout there.

I thought about just copying a workout from youtube or instagram but I was just feeling intimidated and I left my wireless earphones at home.

Day 1 gym workout.

Glute machine 12×3

Hip opener v thing 12×3

Squat w pulses 10

Fire hydrant w/ donkey kick 10×3

Single leg raise standing 10×3

Single leg raise lying down 10×3

Bridges 15×3

Stair master 5-6min

Treadmill 10min

I made it to work 30min earlier. Work was work, I got a lot accomplished.

Last week I attended a meditation/yoga event. The name of the event was, ” Resolve to Evolve.” I loved it. Anyways , since I was new they gave me a free week to come join as many yoga classes as I wanted. So I took advantage of the offer and after work I headed to my very first legit yoga class.

It was packed and let me just say I sweated more than I did this morning at the gym!

I feel proud of myself for going in there even when I was unfamiliar ( and 10minutes late). Everyone in yoga seemed to been practicing for a long time already while me in the other hand… I struggled to maintain my balance. Being in a big packed room makes it so hard not to start my deadly habit of comparing myself to others.

But I’m trying. I’m trying to notice what my mind says of me, I’m trying to notice when I body shame myself once again.

We’re all lovely in our own unique way.

I have to remember , I have to remember.

After class I should have gone back to my apartment and get ready for the next day, but I had things I wanted to talk about so I went to a friends house.

“Asking for help, even if its just wanting someone to hear you, is not a sign of weakness.”

I wish I could say, “I’m ready for tomorrow. But tomorrow’s just Tuesday, and thing is…. I am ready to sleep in.